Saturday, January 5, 2013

Top 10 Reasons Robert Parker Quit

All of the real wine bloggers have had their take on this subject, so I just thought I would add my take based upon no knowledge whatsoever.
10. He got tired of making up nonsensical phrases like “burnt Macaoan oak sliding like velvet on the tongue.” In fact the word 'horseshit' seemed to keep popping up more often than not.

9. The sheer number of wineries (over 775 at last count in Washington State alone) made selecting a few to review meaningless. In fact, even owning a winery is getting to be meaningless.

8. Circulation was down. He could see the writing on the wall. Not only did the recession cut into wine buyers discretionary spending on unnecessary items like the Advocate, they didn't have the big bucks to blow on overpriced wines that Parker reviewed. $6.87 at World of Wine? Hell, I can't tell the difference.

7. People don't care anymore. They don't need self-appointed professionals to tell them what they should be drinking. Wine drinkers in America have come of age. In fact, all wine publications are in trouble. Same old boring stories, same old boring reviews. Was it the '05 or '06 Shithouse Creek Cellars Merlot that got a 98? Hey, here is a '04 in the bargain bin. Must not be selling.

6. He got tired of free junkets to Bordeaux and having his boots licked by the Chinese. Chinese? Yes, it's a fact, the Chinese are buying up Bordeaux. Sacra Merde!

5. The insurance on his nose went up. Insuring his nose was going to cost more than his membership in the bar. He could make more by chasing ambulances.

4. He really prefers cocktails. (with hints of crème de Cacao, vanilla extract, and sweetness on the tongue.) (Read The Billionaires Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace.)

3. It got too hard to sort wine by bottle weights. Many wineries in their effort to 'go green' are using light-weight eco glass. It took too much effort to sort through all those wines in light-weight glass. You could no longer just pour out the wine and weigh the bottle.

2. Tax laws changed in 2013, so he got more in 2012 even if he took a hit on price.
And the number one reason:

He got a pile of money he couldn't refuse.

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