Thursday, April 15, 2010

First Wine to Score 101

The Wine Expectorator, in a press release and news conference, announced that in the May issue they would feature the first wine to score over the once sacred limit of a perfect 100. "This wine is incredible!" a spokesman for the Expectorator commented. "It will set a new standard in winemaking for all wineries to aspire to." Though he did not reveal the name, variety, or origin of the wine, he further stated, "to find out the name of the wine, you will have to buy the magazine. After all," he continued, "isn't that what it is all about? There were only 1000 cases produced, so the chances of a schmuck like you getting a bottle are basically zero." The grapes were picked at 27 brix. The wine has been micro-oxygenated to remove all varietal character and it was stored in 200% new French oak. The empty bottle weighed in at 1.42 Kg and the cork was an astounding 5.72 cm long. He did admit that the high-scoring winery had purchased the full-color inside front cover, the inside back cover, and the back cover of that issue. He vehemently denied any collusion between the editorial staff and the advertising staff saying it was merely a coincidence, "They are a regular advertiser."

Robert Parker was not available for comment, but a secret source close to Mr. Parker said he was livid that someone should dare exceed the 100 mark he created before him. He reportedly threw his Riedel wine glass across the room, smashing it against a bottle of 1961 Lafite given to him by the winery for his last round of inflated scores. He vowed to "get even" by finding a wine that rated at least 102. Our source hinted, "Don't be surprised if it goes as high as 104."

When asked the impact on the consumer, the Expectorator spokesperson responded, "This wine will be the new standard for consumers who don't know shit about wine to aid in choosing a wine that will impress their friends. It will give wineries an incentive to produce more expensive wines and buy more advertising with us. We all know those wines rated 90 to 95 are pretty ho-hum and available at bargain rates at Grocery Outlet. Now, if you don't score at least a 97, you are not in the game. It will continue to supply the consumer with high priced wines that they have to beg to purchase. This in turn will aid wineries that have waiting lists to get on the mailing lists."

When grilled about the rating of Bonair Wines, the spokesperson replied, "I have not heard of that winery. They do not advertise with us and they don't send us free wine for our parties or to use as gifts for our expensive escorts."

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