Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Gov'mint Warnin'

Are you aware that the Government Warning: in bold and larger than 2mm on US wine bottles is illegal on wines sold in Europe? Why? Well, Europe has a 'truth in labeling' requirement. No opinions or false statements can be placed on European wine labels.

What you say? The US Gov'mint is always right. Well, not in this case. Let's examine the Gov'mint warnin'.

ACCORDING TO THE SURGEON GENERAL:' at 2mm or larger pint all in caps making it less readable, states that this is not scientific fact or evidence beyond a reasonable doubt. It is one person's opinion. And to top it off, I don't think that person is either a surgeon or a general. What war did they fight in? Would General Petraeus qualify? Who do they cut up in their spare time? Would you let them operate on you?

'WOMEN SHOULD NOT DRINK ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES DURING PREGNANCY BECAUSE OF THE RISK OF BIRTH DEFECTS." I knew there was an explanation for the French. Just kidding. Fetal alcohol syndrome is caused by massive ingestion of alcohol - usually vodka - by brain-dead whores who ingest more than a bottle a day. I do not recommend drinking while pregnant, but unless you want your kid to turn our French, it doesn't seem to make that much difference if you drink in moderation - and why wouldn't you only drink in moderation ALL THE TIME.

Here is a test. Read the following list of words:


Okay, so you might be sober enough to catch the last word.

"CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES IMPAIRS YOUR ABILTY TO DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY." I definitely don't drive after I think I have imbibed a little too much, but I have been known to try to operate MacHinery and he doesn't work as well as he does when sober. So my best advice is to get her drunk and stay somewhat sober so you can still operate MacHinery.

"AND MAY CAUSE HEALTH PROBLEMS." And may not. Wine drinkers are healthier than T-totallers. They are also smarter, but that may be a confusing demographic. Wine is an historic beverage and has basically lead to civilization. Look at places where wine is not regularly consumed like Kentucky and Saudi Arabia.

I'll bet you never thought you would see those two places in the same sentence!

Now do you know why I am grumpy?

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